This is the image that comes to my mind when I think about being content. Relaxed. At ease. Peaceful. Happy. Satisfied in the moment.
As summer 2011 came to an end and fall started to creep in, a lot of things were changing in my life. All for the good. I remember thinking to myself "Is it legal to be this happy and content???" I had just moved to a cute, 1 bedroom apartment with a balcony overlooking a pond and it was all mine. There was a super great guy in my life who was treating me extra special and pursuing relationship with me. A great job with a salary and benefits had been handed to me with barely any decision from me. The stars had aligned....
And now, all that seems to have slipped away. I mean, I still have my cute, little 1 bedroom apartment with a balcony overlooking a pond. I'm still employed in a full time position with benefits. The sweet man in my life has even become my fiance now :)
The last few months have just brought a lot of transition to my life. It hasn't been slow transitions, but unexpected, quick transitions:
*Going from single, to dating, to engaged all within a matter of months when I hadn't intentionally been seeking out a serious relationship
*Leaving the life of a student and nanny and becoming a full time employee in a job where I actually need my college degree
*Becoming fully responsible for my self as an adult
As my state of contentment has begun to fade, I have found myself questioning where my contentment comes from. I seem to have been finding contentment in my situations, my life circumstances. These things are all temporary. If I am looking to them to find my contentment, I will only continue to find myself feeling dissatisfied. As I become satisfied with my life, I will only want more. Our greedy, self-centered society has taught me to always pursue more. To want more. To want better.
Today, I was reading in Ecclesiastes and it says, " No matter how much we see, we are never satisfied. No matter how much we hear, we are never content....I observed everything going on under the sun, and really, it is all meaningless - like chasing the wind."
Finding myself dissatisfied with my job, I have realized a few things:
*I often find my identity in my work
*If I don't find my identity in my work, I look to my relationships
Neither of these places are where I should be finding myself. Christ wants our identity to be in Him. As I have been unable to find myself in my work (because I dislike my job), I have also been unable to cling to my fiance to find myself in him (which is not healthy anyway). I have been chasing after finding a new job to find myself in and making more time to be with my fiance. However, Ecclesiastes tells me this is like chasing after the wind. I'm just going to find another job where I will eventually become dissatisfied or become upset with Jim for not letting me connect completely with him to find myself.
While I still don't have a concrete understanding of what contentment is for me in this season of my life where I am at a job that is not satisfying and in a relationship that is in a temporary season of transition, I have come to a few conclusions:
Contentment ...
*can be found in any situation, not only through changing your situation
*comes in relationship with Christ. Trusting in the guidance of the Holy Spirit to have you right where you are supposed to be in every season of life.
In this season I am called to be content with the blessing of a paycheck and the opportunity to minister to my clients, as well as the opportunity to grow in my own person to become a better wife to my future husband.
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